Thursday, September 10, 2009

Strength and Love

It is unfathomable how much has happened since my last posting. It's been said that "when it rains, it pours." In my family's case, we've been stuck in a hail storm.

The passing of my brother, Jonathan, was none other than shocking and devastating. Even as I write this it seems so surreal. I think I've convinced myself that he's still living in Charlotte, but is on vacation or out of the country. Many times in the past three weeks I have scrolled through my speed dial list and called him expecting him to answer. But the operator's voice informing me his number has been disconnected jolts me back to reality in just those few seconds. And then I realize I will never hear his voice again. And I cry. But for some reason I still can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone. I'm just not ready to let go. I want to hear, "Hey, Frachelle!" just one more time. I realize it's going to take time for me to accept and move on. But for right now I'm not ready. For right now I still want to feel as though he's alive...I imagine in my heart he always will be.

Jonathan's absence has been amplified by my mom's diagnosis of breast cancer. My mom has been feeling unwell for over two years and has had a series of tests done to try to pinpoint the cause. Jonathan and I had daily conversations expressing our worries and our thoughts on what could be causing mom's discomfort. Six days after Jonathan's death my mom received her diagnosis. I had no one to call.

Since my mom's diagnosis we have also learned that the cancer is present in her bones and in the lymph nodes of her chest. She has started an oral treatment that will fight to get the cancer under control. My mom has already battled this once, 17 years ago. I honestly believe the cancer has no chance. My mom is a survivor and the strongest woman I know. And I know Jonathan is there fighting for her every step of the way. He loved her so much and I know he will make sure to protect her.


Score said...

I'm here for you, but you know that. I love you!

Sarah said...

So proud that you found the strength to write this and express yourself.
On a brighter more insignificant note-glad I now know how to spell Frachelle.

Anonymous said...

We are so sorry for your loss. There are no words that we could say that would make the pain go away. Like Dennis had done for me through my depression, etc. He has told me if you need to cry...cry. If you need to be angry, be angry. Don't hold it back. It just makes things worse. God gave us tears for a reason. It also says that God holds our tears in his hands. I've also been told if I'm angry, God can handle that too. He feels your pain and even though we don't know why he took your brother, He does. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and you can message me anytime.
Love you guys...Melissa Stinnett

Kylie said...

Beautifully written. Love you.

Nana said...

Hi.... he WILL always be alive in your heart. Celebrate the precious memories as you take your time dealing with this sadness. Love you all! Traci

Daniel, Stephanie, Micah, and Elijah Dias said...

Hey Amanda, It's Stef. (Lowery) Dias. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. And now I'm reading about your lot to take in I'm sure. Please know that I'm praying for you and your family. In Psalms it says, weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning! Joy is contentment in all circumstances and that is something that only God can give. I'm sure you've seen glimpses of that joy in your little boy (who by the way is adorable!). Hang in there and know, this too shall pass. Love, Stephanie

KHM said...

Amanda- I as well as everyone else couldn't believe it about your brother. My sympathies to you and your family. Then to just have read about your Mom. You have always been a strong person and will find a way to hold on to that strength through all of this. My Mom went through it and beat it without ever even complaining, and she will too. They are tough ladies. Anyway I think about you every now and then and wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. Hang in there XOXO -
Erica Black