Three Years That Still Feel Like Yesterday

This is for you Jonathan... I sure do miss you.

A House Full of Memories

Since the passing of my brother two years ago, I have struggled to rid myself of feeling broken.  The ring that once represented my family lost a critical piece that doesn't allow it to come full circle any more.  There have been other resulting causes as well, but I know every member of my family feels the disconnection and deals with its effects every day.

The only escape I have from this heart breaking reality are my memories which primarily take place in my childhood home - the home where we all grew up together - the home where everything made sense and everything was good.  It was our safe haven then - and now it is my refuge.

I make a visit to McDeeds Creek Road almost every day.  I play football with my brothers in the backyard hoping to make a few good tackles.  We build huge forts in the woods and beg my parents to let us sleep there for the night.  We challenge each other to races in the swimming pool and play two-on-two basketball until it's time to come in for dinner.

My family sits down to eat at our table for six as my mom serves one of her delicious home cooked meals.  My brothers and I argue about something trivial as my dad threatens a consequence if we don't be quiet.  I hear my mom asking why we can't ever be nice to one another - and in my mind I laugh.

For almost 18 years I thought life was easy.  I thought life was about playing and fighting with my siblings.  I thought life was simple and good.  At McDeeds Creek Road life was all these things - that's why I make my frequent visits - because that is where our ring came full circle.

In remembrance...

It's Your Birthday

Yes, you are a year older which makes you 36 today.  You should feel ancient.   And I doubt it comes as any surprise that I've made it my mission to never allow you to be "younger" than me.  I'll even stoop so low to Photoshop your pictures to look older if I have to.  You will grow older with me - I still need my big brother.

It's baffling how time has flown by since you left us, yet time has totally stood still.  Sometimes I feel like I spent time with you just the other weekend - but then I realize how much has changed in my life over the last two years and I realize you did not play a part in those memories.  I struggle with that.

You share your birthday today with a very special person.  Someone you never had the pleasure to meet.

This is your niece, Mattie Jane.  She is 7 months old today.  She has a sense of humor that you would definitely appreciate.  She makes us laugh all the time.  She's sitting up now, but sometime wavers from side to side and eventually falls over.  She has a dislike for green beans and peas, but loves carrots, sweet potatoes and squash - and all fruits of course.

Her favorite activity is her bouncer swing - you remember, the one that Evan loved so much.  She goes to town in that thing and laughs and squeals the entire time.  She's a chunker, but we tell her to enjoy her rolls and dimples while she can - they won't be very cute in about 10 years.

You'll be proud to know she's a tough little cookie.  Evan has hit over the head with his toys, pinched her legs, laid on top of her and kicked her many times - it doesn't seem to phase her.  She giggles and laughs, just happy that he's showing her attention.  She loves her big brother.  Just as much I love mine.

Happy Birthday, Jonathan.

Renewal of Faith

Growing up my family always went to church.  We marched through the doors of Emmanuel Episcopal Church religiously every Sunday morning and occupied an entire pew with our clan of six.  We were also very much involved in church activities - choir, acolytes, Sunday school, youth group, organized sports, etc.  Church and God were an integral part of my childhood.  I began learning the lessons of God from a very early age.  I said prayers to God every night before I went to bed.  Even during high school when our church attendance began to dwindle (my parents gave up trying to drag us out of bed) I still had a strong faith in God and never questioned my relationship with Him.  I never had a reason to. 

When my brother passed away my faith in God crumbled.  I began questioning not only Him, but religion as a whole.  How could a kind, loving God let something so devastating happen to my family?  Why would he take away such a kind, loving person who was deserving of a better life and even more deserving of a chance to live that life?  "God has a plan for everyone" is what I learned long ago.  "He will take care of you and everyone you love."  So why is it that I'm still hurting?  Why is it that my mom must battle two wars?  Why is it that my family feels such disconnection?  All of these questions have been swirling around in my mind for the past year and a half and every day feels like the day that they are gonna break me.  You see, I still have not dealt with my brother's death.  I am one of those who bottles it all up inside and as the bottle begins to crack I allow my entire life to be affected.

I learned quickly that talking to someone does not help.  Death and losing someone you love is so much bigger than us and there is nothing another human being can offer me in terms of guidance.  I realized that the only way to find comfort for myself and for my brother is renewing my own faith in God and finding peace from within.

I went to church yesterday for the first time in over 10 years (with the exception of holidays).  I sat stiffly in the pew clutching Robert's leg.  Tears welled up in my eyes continuously throughout the service.  These were tears of joy for being there, tears of sadness for the memories that came pouring back and tears of fear for what I was trying to accomplish.  The pastor's sermon was sweet and simple and resonated deeply with me. He spoke about worry and anxiety; how they are both unnecessary and futile.  "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own (6:25-34).  It's kind of a "Don't worry, be happy" philosophy, but definitely one that I needed to hear and in that exact context - I guess Bobby McFerrin didn't quite get through to me.

I knew walking out that I made the right decision showing up.  I believe it's the right choice for me, our kids and our family.  I feel not only will I begin to deal with my own inner struggles, but it's also a learning experience for our kids so they are able to choose what is right for themselves in the future.  Robert and I both experienced church as children; now we want to experience it as adults.  Relationships change over time - even with God.

My Nephew is Here

At 7:30 this morning Ruth (in full-on active labor) and Tim headed to the hospital reeling with excitement to meet their sweet baby boy.

Tyler Jonathan was born at 8:51 am weighing in at 7 lbs. 13 oz.  Both Ruth and little TJ (no, Tim and I did not purposely give "J" middle names in order to have TJ and MJ - just a coincidence) are doing well and expected to go home on Friday.

My mom and I are thrilled that we will not only be able to share in Isabel's first birthday, but we will also get to spend some time with the newest addition to our family.  I am so overjoyed and excited to make my way to Chicago on Friday.

Pictures to come later.

All Things Bright and Beautiful

Fourteen has always been my "lucky" number.  Not only is it the day of my birth, but it graced the back of all my sports jerseys growing up, it's the first number I play in the lottery and it's the one number I know I will always remember.  But unfortunately, it's now remembered for all the wrong reasons.

July 14th, 2009 - I welled up as usual as I said goodbye to Jonathan.  He was heading back to Charlotte after spending a week in Ponce Inlet for Evan's first birthday.  I told him to please drive carefully and that I loved him and would see him soon.

August 14th, 2009 - I can still hear the desperate, muffled sound of my dad's voice on the other end of the line.  The feeling of panic came over me because my first thought was something had happened to my mom.  When my dad finally spoke all I heard was "Jonathan is dead" before everything seemed to go silent - I just hung up the phone and collapsed to the floor.  Shock and disbelief immediately set in - since then every stage imaginable has followed.

It has been one year since my brother's death.  And a hard year at that.  But I've come to terms with a lot and have learned a great deal about myself in the process.  I will always be haunted by the circumstances of Jonathan's death, but I believe in my heart I will eventually, one day, be able to smile every time I think about him.  And maybe the number fourteen will once again be a positive force in my life.

Jonathan, because we did not receive your will in time, this song was never played at your funeral as you requested - so I hope you're listening and singing along.  I miss you terribly.

Missing You Today...and Everyday

Facebook sent my phone a reminder that your birthday is today.  Like I would forget.  In fact, I've been dreading this day for over a month now.  At some point today I should be calling you to sarcastically wish you a "happy birthday" since I know you've only thought of your birthday as getting older and less attractive - I believe botox was always on your wish list.  Yeah, that's right, I just let the cat out of the bag.  What are you gonna do about it? 

Birthdays - nothing to celebrate, right?  Wrong.  Now I know why birthdays should be celebrated.  Not because it's the day of our birth or that we're a year wiser, but simply because we've lived another year.  The growing patches of gray hair and the wicked laugh lines that you so despised aren't signs of vanity at all, but rather proof of each passing year...ones that should be relished and appreciated.  Life is short.  You have proven that. 

Jonathan, I miss you terribly.  I miss you so much it's frustrating.  Missing you is so IN MY FACE all the time that I struggle to believe that I'll ever be able to think of you and not be sad.  Maybe I'm not supposed to, I don't know...but it sure would make things easier.  I want the feeling of absence to disappear.  I want my overwhelming anxiety to ease up.  I want death and dying to stop invading my dreams.  All of these annoyances have lessened since your passing, I must admit, but when can I go on living free and clear of them?

Just so you know - American Idol sucks this season.  You're not missing anything there.  And this year there is no wildebeest in my pregnant future so you're not missing out on ridiculing me either.  But what you are missing is far more precious - a nephew bursting with personality - and a niece sweeter than you can imagine.  And all of that excitement is about to multiply by two in just a few short months.  It's not fair that you won't be a part of their lives.  But don't worry, they will know you through stories and memories that the entire family will be sure to share.

Happy 35th birthday to you, even if you're no longer in the living years.  I celebrate your memory since that's all I have - and I thank God I at least have that.  I love you.

The Wildebeest

Baby number two is definitely a hot topic around here.  I'm finally to the point that when I hold another infant I can feel that maternal yearning for another one.  Six months ago I probably would've thought twice about even holding another infant.  Let's face it - the infant stage was not a great experience for me the first time around.  Evan literally made me question whether motherhood was right for me.  His incessant crying for 5 months about put me over the edge.  But I survived it - barely. 

Even though I think I'm ready now, we have decided to wait until this summer to try for bambino numero dos. We're hoping to enjoy one last family vacation before I have to keep reminding myself of what I should and shouldn't be eating.  I've been really happy with that decision - so happy that I've already been brainstorming baby names again.  I was even looking at maternity clothes online.

AND THEN I CAME ACROSS THIS PICTURE

This picture is enough to make me want to wait ten years for another baby.  I'm only referring to the right half of the picture.  Robert and Evan are perfecto - Me?  Well, as Jonathan so eloquently and lovingly said, "God, Amanda, you look like a friggin' wildebeest!"  I can't really deny it.  I guess that's what an extra 50 lbs. will get me.  It's not the worry of losing the extra weight.  I lost all of my weight and more within a year.  But I'd rather be proud of my hospital pictures and not look like a wild animal from Africa.

Maybe this picture needs to go up on the refrigerator to be a constant reminder NOT to eat an entire bag of Oreos in one sitting.  I'm making my vow right now - you are all my witnesses - I will gain a "healthy" amount of weight with baby #2.  There's not much I can do about the swelling, so the fat feet are inevitable.

I asked Robert this morning, "How could you even stand looking at me like that?"  You know what his response was?  He laughed.  Point taken.

High Hopes for 2010

So remember all my whining about sitting home alone on New Year's Eve and my only hope was to be kissing the spoon that would be dumping ice cream into my mouth?  Shame on me for being so negative and casting so much doubt on what positive things are in store for 2010.

Just as planned, I was in bed watching the countdown in Time Square with Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper.  (Because of them, by the way, my spirits were high - seriously.)  Kathy Griffin had me laughing so hard with her inappropriate, crass comments and Anderson Cooper did his best to deflect the crude commentary and keep his job with the network.  It was fantastic.

I already polished off a bowl of ice cream and was contemplating my next sweet treat as the final minutes of 2009 were ticking away.  My phone was continuously beeping with texts from friends and loved ones wishing a happy new year.  The screaming crowds on tv were dancing and laughing.  And to be honest, all the excitement made me a bit sad.

Welcoming a new year means leaving one behind.  I wasn't sure if I could leave 2009 behind. This uncertainty brought on an overwhelming feeling of fear and abandonment. I felt like by accepting a new year I would somehow be accepting Jonathan's death - and in doing so, abandoning him in the process. I realize how silly it may sound, but it was the feeling I had.  But I began to reason with myself.  I asked myself, "What would Jonathan want you to do?  If he were here right now, what would he say to you?"  And I knew.  I knew I was being ridiculous to think I was abandoning anyone - especially him.  Because EVERY new year was Jonathan's year.  It was gonna be the year he would get back in shape - start going to church again - send out thank you notes - build his savings.  It was a year of positivity and hope.  And why should this year be any different? 

My tears began to dry up and my attitude began to change with just 55 seconds left in the countdown.  As I sat up in bed to witness these final seconds I heard the front door open.  NO WAY!   To my surprise Robert came scrambling up the steps with two mini bottles of champagne in hand.  He dashed to the kitchen to pop open the bottles and with three seconds to spare...3...2...1...I got my sip of champagne and my kiss at midnight.

I think 2010 is our year!

The Big 3-0

I officially have three decades under my belt - not literally of course.  Ask me in another decade or two and there may be more under that belt than I'd like to admit.  But I'm not gonna get ahead of myself.  I have the glorious thirties to look forward to - ah!  The thirties are the new twenties, right?

Robert swept me away to North Carolina for my birthday weekend.  As I was nodding off to sleep Friday night he shakes me and says, "Go pack a bag.  We're leaving at 7:30 in the morning."  At that exact moment I realized that I'm definitely not the person I was five years ago.  That person would've said, "Awesome!  Let's just go ahead and leave right now!"  Instead, I began having an anxiety attack.  I thought to myself...well, what about Evan?  I don't have anything packed for him.  His clothes aren't even washed.  I don't have any snacks to take with me on the road.  And how long will we be on the road anyway?  What is the weather supposed to be like?  Is there gas in my car?  Do I need to take a shower tonight or tomorrow morning?...and the thoughts kept rapidly coming.  It was exhausting.  Robert told me to chill out and promised me everything was under control.  hmmm?

I pretty much figured out that we were heading to North Carolina.  So at least I was able to pack without being completely in the dark.  I also assumed Evan would be staying with my parents so that put my mind at ease too.  I was finally beginning to accept this act of spontaneity until Robert informs me that we are behind schedule and that I would need to drive since I'm guilty of putting the pedal to the metal.  Again, anxiety took over.  Punctuality is one thing that Robert and I do not see eye to eye on.  I MUST be on time - Robert on the other hand - well, he just takes his sweet time.  His infamous line is, "we'll make it."  It doesn't matter if we have to go 90 mph down the highway or park in short-term parking at the airport - one way or another, we'll make it.  Let's just say the drive to North Carolina was not a relaxing one.  But once we arrived in Durham all of that quickly changed.

We started off at the University Club where our friends, Jessica and Kelly, work.  We stepped off of the elevator and as I scanned the lobby I see my friend, Sarah, briskly walking by.  I call out her name and she not so elegantly darted behind a potted tree.  After a few seconds I think she realized I blew her cover.  It was a fabulous surprise to have her there to start off the night.  We were seated at our table where Sarah's husband, Dan, was also waiting.  Being that we were behind schedule, we were only able to throw back a quick appetizer and a glass of wine.  Robert was whisking me off somewhere else for another birthday surprise.  Dan and Sarah agreed to meet up with us later.

We got in the car, which I was starting to grow a dislike for and drove for another 15-20 minutes.  We approached a beautiful glass building new to Downtown Durham.  With Performing Arts Center written boldly across the building I now knew we were seeing some sort of production.  And to my very pleasant surprise Robert purchased tickets for The Phantom of the Opera.  I LOVE this musical! Something comes over me when I hear the music from this production.  I knew this would be emotional for me.  Not only is the music phenomenal, but the soundtrack was a favorite of my brother, Jonathan.  We used to attempt to sing the duets - sounded miserable - but still loved to do it.  Needless to say, I cried through the entire performance.  Tears of both joy and sadness, but mostly joy.  The cast was FANTASTIC!  And Robert scored "the bomb" seats.  We were second row, dead center.

We ended our night with a visit to our old restaurant hangout where several of our good friends were waiting to greet us.  I coerced Dan and Sarah in to spending the night in Durham to spend more time with us.  I love y'all!  The whole night brought back great memories and created new ones.  This trip was well worth the anxiety - Thank you, babe, for being so thoughtful and making this trip seem so effortless on your part.  I know it took a lot to make this happen.  I love you.

Strength and Love

It is unfathomable how much has happened since my last posting. It's been said that "when it rains, it pours." In my family's case, we've been stuck in a hail storm.

The passing of my brother, Jonathan, was none other than shocking and devastating. Even as I write this it seems so surreal. I think I've convinced myself that he's still living in Charlotte, but is on vacation or out of the country. Many times in the past three weeks I have scrolled through my speed dial list and called him expecting him to answer. But the operator's voice informing me his number has been disconnected jolts me back to reality in just those few seconds. And then I realize I will never hear his voice again. And I cry. But for some reason I still can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone. I'm just not ready to let go. I want to hear, "Hey, Frachelle!" just one more time. I realize it's going to take time for me to accept and move on. But for right now I'm not ready. For right now I still want to feel as though he's alive...I imagine in my heart he always will be.

Jonathan's absence has been amplified by my mom's diagnosis of breast cancer. My mom has been feeling unwell for over two years and has had a series of tests done to try to pinpoint the cause. Jonathan and I had daily conversations expressing our worries and our thoughts on what could be causing mom's discomfort. Six days after Jonathan's death my mom received her diagnosis. I had no one to call.

Since my mom's diagnosis we have also learned that the cancer is present in her bones and in the lymph nodes of her chest. She has started an oral treatment that will fight to get the cancer under control. My mom has already battled this once, 17 years ago. I honestly believe the cancer has no chance. My mom is a survivor and the strongest woman I know. And I know Jonathan is there fighting for her every step of the way. He loved her so much and I know he will make sure to protect her.

Better Late Than Never

I feel extremely guilty that I've let so much time go by without 1. saying happy birthday to Evan on a blog that's supposed to be dedicated to him 2. being timely in letting everyone know how the birthday party went and 3.thanking everyone for their thoughtfulness and love on such a special day. I want to give a special thanks to Amanda and Scott for capturing such great photos of the party and being so quick to upload them to my gallery for all to see. They are AMAZING! So...Better Late Than Never...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EVAN! WE HAVE MADE IT TO THE TODDLER YEARS...barely. BUT THE TODDLER YEARS ARE LOOKING PRETTY GOOD SO FAR AND AND THE REAL FUN HAS JUST BEGUN. THANK YOU TO MY BROTHERS, JONATHAN AND TIM, FOR FLYING DOWN AND SHARING THIS TIME WITH YOUR NEPHEW. AND THANK YOU TO THE REST OF OUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS FOR THE WONDERFUL CARDS AND GIFTS. WE APPRECIATE YOU ALL VERY MUCH!

It's amazing how positive I feel now that Evan is a year old. I was just telling Robert yesterday that Evan has morphed into this incredibly funny and loving boy ever since July 11th. He's giving big hugs around our legs, tight hugs around our necks and telling his own little jokes and laughing hysterically. It's absolutely incredible to watch an infant grow into a young boy with real personality of his own. It's as if he knew he was turning a year old and decided he wanted to be a "bigger" boy. Which brings me to a funny, yet disturbing story...depending on the reader.

I don't know if Evan is trying to tell us that he's ready to potty train (yeah, right), or that he wants to wear "big boy" pants, or that he just really likes to hang it all out there, but the last few times we put him down to sleep with just a diaper and t-shirt we have come back downstairs to find a very naked baby and a diaper on the floor. The first time this happened it was all cute and ha ha and we put his diaper back on still giggling about it.

The second time it happened we laughed again until I realized there was no pee pee in the diaper because it was all soaked into the sheet. Ugh. This incident happened over night so I just imagined him wallowing there in his pee soaked bed for hours...probably having the time of his life. So, I had to change the sheets and wash his blanket so his bed would be ready for nap time that same afternoon.

Finally, third time's a charm, right? Not unless you have a stomach of steel...So, Robert goes downstairs to get Evan from his nap (let me remind you that this is the same day as the pee incident) and suddenly I hear through the baby monitor, "Oh my god, Amanda, I need you down here right now!" As most mothers do, I was thinking something absolutely terrible had happened and I raced downstairs to find my son dangling in Robert's arms CAKED in his own feces!!!! It was smeared all over his face, through his hair and worst of all, in his mouth. We all know the expression "happy as a pig in shit" and Evan was most definitely a pig. He was all smiles until he was submerged in bath water and scrubbed to death. As Robert bathed mud man I just stared at his crib and wondered how long he was down there making mud pies! The sheets were smeared from one end to the other. There was not one railing that he didn't touch and lather up. He even left perfect hand prints on the wall. I had to hand wash all of his stuffed animals and put them in the spin cycle of the washer...luckily they all survived. I had never loved Clorox so much in my life. I doused that crib to make sure there was not one remnant left. Evan is no longer allowed to go to bed without pants...

And we thought he liked playing in the toilet because of the water.

Here Comes Uncle Jon, Here Comes Uncle Jon...

Uncle Jon came to visit for 10 days. I think Evan was confused towards the end because Robert worked an 80 hour week while Jonathan was here every minute of the day...I think he was wondering, "who's my Dada?"

Evan experienced his first few beach days and overall seemed to enjoy it. He munched away on the sand like it was his job, but had a not so pleasant experience with the ocean. The water was borderline freezing! Going from 80 degree air to 60 degree water is quite a shock. So he cried, well, more like screamed and we had to retire back to the chairs. Evan had his own little domain set up. I bought him a sun tent so he could play with his toys and lounge without frying that florescent white skin. It seemed to do the trick and allowed us time to relax ourselves.
We spent time down in Jupiter visiting my grandparents and I also dragged Jonathan to the Mother Goose class I'm doing with Evan on Thursday mornings. I think all the rug rats overwhelmed Uncle Jon, but amused him as well. Evan gets a kick out of staring at all the other babies. I think he wants to take one home with him, but Mommy said absolutely not. :)

We had a fun week and look forward to another visit.

Evan-March