Saturday, May 15, 2010

Missing You Today...and Everyday

Facebook sent my phone a reminder that your birthday is today.  Like I would forget.  In fact, I've been dreading this day for over a month now.  At some point today I should be calling you to sarcastically wish you a "happy birthday" since I know you've only thought of your birthday as getting older and less attractive - I believe botox was always on your wish list.  Yeah, that's right, I just let the cat out of the bag.  What are you gonna do about it? 

Birthdays - nothing to celebrate, right?  Wrong.  Now I know why birthdays should be celebrated.  Not because it's the day of our birth or that we're a year wiser, but simply because we've lived another year.  The growing patches of gray hair and the wicked laugh lines that you so despised aren't signs of vanity at all, but rather proof of each passing year...ones that should be relished and appreciated.  Life is short.  You have proven that. 

Jonathan, I miss you terribly.  I miss you so much it's frustrating.  Missing you is so IN MY FACE all the time that I struggle to believe that I'll ever be able to think of you and not be sad.  Maybe I'm not supposed to, I don't know...but it sure would make things easier.  I want the feeling of absence to disappear.  I want my overwhelming anxiety to ease up.  I want death and dying to stop invading my dreams.  All of these annoyances have lessened since your passing, I must admit, but when can I go on living free and clear of them?

Just so you know - American Idol sucks this season.  You're not missing anything there.  And this year there is no wildebeest in my pregnant future so you're not missing out on ridiculing me either.  But what you are missing is far more precious - a nephew bursting with personality - and a niece sweeter than you can imagine.  And all of that excitement is about to multiply by two in just a few short months.  It's not fair that you won't be a part of their lives.  But don't worry, they will know you through stories and memories that the entire family will be sure to share.

Happy 35th birthday to you, even if you're no longer in the living years.  I celebrate your memory since that's all I have - and I thank God I at least have that.  I love you.


Phil said...


Score said...

I feel like such a fool going on about dresses today. I wish I could take away all the pain for you. I miss him too. And I know he's watching over you, hoping for the return of the wildebeast. I love you.

Kylie said...

Damn. Thanks for this. Life is short... Makes you want to make the very best of every moment.